The answer to this question can be found in Chapter Seven,
which explains John's penchant for visiting the nearest cemetery. As he sits there and
wonders about if there is anybody in heaven and then anybody down below who wants to
communicate to him, John suddenly realises that he is not really concerned about those
above or benath him, but actually he is filled with a desperate uncertainty about what
will happen to him after he dies:
Then I got very sad because I knew I wasn't
really wondering about the guy underneath me, whoever he was. I was just interested in
what was going to happen to me. I think that's probably the real reason I go to the
graveyard. I'm not afraid of seeing ghosts. I think I'm really looking for ghosts. I
want to see them. I'm looking for anything to prove that when I drop dead there's a
chance I'll be doing something a little more exciting than
decaying.
John then is filled
with a kind of desperate uncertainty when he thinks about death. He hopes to find any
form of tangible proof that after he dies he will have some kind of existence that is
more meaningful than "decaying." Clearly, the thought of having his identity and his
character obliterated by death is something that makes John very
afraid.
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