Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Did I combine the following sentences correctly?1. Angie took a deep breath. 2. She approached the foul line. 3. Her teammates were gathered...

For the most part, I would say that you are on the right
track in your combination.  You have four separate sentences and are seeking to combine
them.  In using conjunctions and commas, you are doing fairly well.  Here is what you
have and with it, you can see where I some fundamental challenges
lie:



Angie
took a deep breath and approached the foul line, where her teammates were gathered
urging her to relax.



I would
make a small change in the first part of the combination.  It seems to me you want to
capture Angie's feelings as the movement to the free throw line is happening.  With that
in mind, I would rewrite it like this:


readability="6">

Angie took a deep breath
as she approached the foul
line,



In this combination,
using "as she," I think there is a tighter combination present.  It makes sense as she
would be taking the deep breath in the process of moving towards the foul line.  I don't
think it works as well to use the conjunction because the next part is also combining,
so it might be better to make two thoughts happen as one and then focus the combination
on the second half.


In the second half, I think another
comma is needed because what you have in there is running thoughts together.  I would
combine it as such:


readability="6">

where her teammates were
gathered, urging her to
relax.



I think that the comma
is needed here because you are combining two separate actions of the teammates.  The
first is their state of being, gathered along the foul line. The second is what they are
doing there, and in this, a comma would be needed in combining both actions into one
instant. (I also made a spelling change on "teammates.") Therefore, I would call the new
combination as such:


readability="8">

Angie took a deep breath as she approached the
foul line, where her teammates were gathered, urging her to
relax.


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